Saint Valentine Never Had it So Good

There are several theories on the origins of Valentine’s Day. Some
believe it originated on February 14, 269 A.D., when Saint Valentine
was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. Others subscribe to the
story of Saint Valentine, a priest imprisoned for defying the Emperor
Claudius. And some of us don’t really care how it started (have you
heard of Romance Grinches?).

Early records report that in 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius honored St.
Valentine by declaring February 14 in his name. Whatever the true story,
the fact remains that at some point St. Valentine became the patron saint
of lovers. Valentine’s Day has since evolved into a day to celebrate love
and romance, to shower one’s object of affection with rich, lavish,
luxurious gifts, glittery trinkets, shiny baubles, precious gee-gaws and
love’s liquor… chocolate.

It may not be a coincidence that the icon of the modern Valentine’s Day
is a chubby little cherub slinging golden arrows hither and yon. The
arrows aptly symbolize the dollars we send flying at our heart’s desire-
often unwisely or too extravagantly. And the chubby little guy? You’ve
probably guessed the connection there–sugar-laden chocolate!

What would Valentine’s Day Advanced Turmeric¬† be like if it had been started by low
carbers? For one thing, that cute little cherub would be a svelte little
fellow with abundant energy, probably with his own Web site, message
boards, chat rooms and LC Cupid franchises, spreading the good word
of sugar-free chocolate and low-carb delights world-wide. Instead of
shooting arrows, he might toss bouquets of water bottles and flavored
pork rinds. His slogan could be, “Share your healthy heart with the one
you love.” Greeting cards would have a pro-health focus: “Be my low-
carb valentine”; “Splenda sweets for my sweet”; “I crave your love
instead of pasta.”

With every new love affair there would be two low carbers living the life
together, listening to love songs with titles like, Low-Carb Cupid, and
The One I Love Belongs to the Atkin’s Center. Restaurants would serve
“high-carb” meals by special request only. White flour and refined sugar
would be difficult to find and only available on a few Web sites and
occasionally on eBay.

Bread would only be two net carbs per slice and the national lunch
snack would be sugar-free chocolate and natural peanut butter.
Presidential candidates would run on a platform of “the low glycemic
school lunch.” Political slogans would shout, “no more sugar, no more
flour!” Rallies would chant, “Carb Low or We Won’t Go!” The tabloids
would cover stories such as, “Gwyneth Zellwager feeds protein bars and
Atkins Crunchers to the homeless,” and “Somersize this Summer with
Suzanne and all of Southern California.” Dan Rather would interview
high-carb traffickers and low-fat diet gurus from their jail cells. Romance
would mean revived health, renewed energy…and weight loss.

A low-carb Valentine’s Day just might be good enough to turn Romance
Grinches into LC Lovers. Now, if you will excuse me, I have some low-carb shopping to do…

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